Chapter 10.20
Marriage Customs
Purpose
- Selection – Courtship – Age
Bride
Price - Engagement – Wedding Party
Consummation
– Divorce – Alimony - Custody
First Word - More than you want to know
Purpose: The primary purpose of marriage in the
ancient world was to reproduce rather
than have a special cherished one for companionship. A lot was to be considered; particularly was
the wife healthy and could she bare children; also the type of political alliance it would make. The prevailing Jewish concept was that
marriage was “the
proper state” for a man.
Selection: Usually the
parents chose the mate for their son; one who would fit in with their clan and
work “harmoniously”
with her mother in law who would pick up the young girls training where her own
mother left off; this often developed into a deep and lasting bond.
Courtship: Sometimes the
son would suggest personal preferences, but never allowed to date or even do
lunch. Chances were good that he would
not even see her face until the wedding day. The bride might see him, but she
always had a veil covering her face.
Age: Most people
lived to a really old age; Isaac did not marry till he was 40 years old
and Jacob was about 80. - The minimum age for boys to marry
was 13 and the daughters were 12. If the
husband was killed in war the wife could be re-married to one of his kinsman
and still bare children; this was known as a Levirate
Marriage.
Women were concerned
about their skin, believing light skin was beautiful and avoided the sun, only
working in the fields very early in the morning or late afternoon. If she became tan, she hid from public view.
Love: In Old Testament times you did not marry the
one you loved; you loved the one you married. Love
began at marriage.
Daughters who inherited their
father’s
possessions
had to marry within their tribe or lose their inheritance.[1]
The “Bride Price” (Mohar) paid to the
father was agreed to by written agreement usually 50 silver shekels for a
virgin and 25 silver shekels if she was divorced or a widow. Instead of money; Jewelry, animals, goods or
services could be substituted. This was
to compensate the father for his loss of her services or it may simply have
been given as a gift. Either way the
stigma was still there that the daughter had been sold; she had been bought. Under Mosaic Law a man’s cattle, slaves,
children and wife were considered his possession. This bride price was paid over and above the
gifts given by the groom’s family.
Done Deal: The marriage
agreement could only be voided through death or divorce; there was no other way out; for a
divorce the groom would have to pay double the dowry to the wife’s father.
Engagement (Kiddushin) was for a year which was considered normal
and constituted a part of the marriage.
During the engagement period they were considered married although not
living together; sexual intercourse could not take place until after the
marriage vows; Mary
and Joseph
were considered married although living apart.
During the year, the groom prepared a place in his father’s house for
them to live and the bride prepared herself for him with lotions and perfumes
and adorned herself in her finest attire and family jewelry.
There were of course some
exceptions of long engagements
with marriage happening the same day.
The Wedding Party would set out
about sunset with the groom as “the center of attention” with his friends,
attendants and musicians headed towards the father of the Bride’s house where
they met her and her party of brides’ maids and attendants. Together they would be led by torchbearers
through the town with music, dancing,
shouts, joking, praises and singing.
They would go to the Groom’s father’s house for the Wedding Supper and continue
to party there for seven days; sometimes as long as fourteen days; people would
drop in and out as they could. Read the parable
of the “Ten Virgins”. Matthew 25:1-13
The wedding
ceremony (Huppah) was very brief; however the awaiting festivities were very
elaborate. The ceremony was really about
the “Groom”
taking the bride from her father’s house. To refuse an invitation to attend was
considered an insult. The couple was
given crowns and referred to as king and queen and the guests were expected to
wear festive clothes.
Consummation: The couple was ushered into the BRIDAL or NUPTIAL CHAMBER where the bride
and groom prayed and the marriage was
consummated through SEXUAL UNION as the guest
waited outside; (Imagine all your friends waiting outside a tent for
you to have sex.) Once this was ANNOUNCED
the wedding festivities continued with love songs, speeches, games, jokes,
music and a big feast.
The marriage took
place normally
in the middle of the week usually on Wednesday, so if she was found not to be a
virgin, she could be taken to court Thursday before the Sabbath. The bride’s
family was responsible for keeping the “virgin evidence” (blood stained bed linens) on their
wedding day in case the husband claimed she was not a virgin.
After the birth of
a child, the Hebrew practice of sexual relations
would be discontinued until the
child was weaned; ABOUT THREE YEARS. In the case of a male child, circumcision
would occur on the 8th day.
Exemption from
Military duty was for one year during the engagement and
through the marriage so that the marriage would get off on a solid footing.
Divorce: After the
Hebrews returned from exile, wholesale divorce was REQUIRED to purge the
nation of foreign wives to insure the purity of the Hebrew nation. Otherwise the Jewish tradition was to discourage
divorce. A man could divorce his wife, but a wife
could not divorce her husband although
many would flee from unpleasant circumstances.
Moses on Divorce: Moses allowed
divorce only because of the hardness of the people’s hearts. He did not command divorce, but regulated an
existing practice.
Reasons for
Divorce: a) Adultery
or strong suspicion of adultery, b) Wife’s
public violation of moral decency. c) Her
change of religion. d) Refusal
of connubial rights for a full year. e) Insulting
her husband or father in law. f) If she had AIDS or the like
which prevented Sex.
Not Divorce: A man could NOT divorce his wife if he “ravished”
her before they were married, nor could he divorce her if she became insane or became an alcoholic
or became a deaf mute, NOR if she was
taken away in captivity, because it was his duty
to ransom her.
Alimony: The husband
that divorced his wife was compelled to pay the wife her dowry, and a certain
amount of money of the property brought to him by the bride or her parents at
the time of the marriage.
Custody of the children
was given to the mother, but the father could claim custody of the male child
after six years of age. The father was
required to “support”
his daughters.
[1] Numbers 27:8 – Inheritance can go to the daughters -- Numbers
36:6-7 – Must marry into the same tribe.
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